Several years back, an actor I knew landed a small part in a movie. He heard he figured prominently in the coming attractions trailer before a summer action flick. Naturally, he was excited to catch himself on the big screen. "One ticket for Gone in 60 Seconds," he told me, "is the loneliest sentence I've ever uttered."
While we're on the subject of things that will disappear in a minute or less, here's my entry in the 2008 GI60 Play Festival, recently held simultaneously at Brooklyn College and Leeds University.
On Death and Dying*
* with Apologies to Elizabeth Kubler Ross
A DOCTOR holds an X-Ray, while a MAN in a paper robe awaits his fate.
A Slide Reads---
On Death and Dying*
*with Apologies to Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Next slide-- The Five Stages of Death
MAN
So?
DOCTOR
Bad news. We've found a spot.
MAN
And?
DOCTOR
The worst has happened.
MAN (Choked)
How long do I have?
DOCTOR (holding X-Ray to the light)
By the looks of this...I'd say...thirty...maybe sixty seconds--
tops.
Slide-- Stage 1: Denial
MAN
There's been a mistake! You must be reading that X-Ray wrong!
DOCTOR
I wish that were true.
Slide-- Stage 2: Anger
MAN
You incompetent fool! Isn't there something you can do?
DOCTOR (Shaking his head)
It's inoperable.
Slide-- Stage 3: Bargaining
MAN (Pleading, grabbing DOCTORS lapels)
If I can just live long enough to see the last reality television show canceled...
DOCTOR
No such luck. Do you have your affairs in order?
Slide-- Stage 4: Depression
MAN (Angst)
Why bother? I've got, what? Fifteen---
DOCTOR (Looking at watch)
Ten.
MAN
Ten seconds left?
Slide-- Stage 5: Acceptance
MAN (Diplomatic)
Well, I've had a good run. On the bright side: no more tax returns, traffic jams, La Cucaracha ring tones, ice-cream headaches, inscrutable pharmaceutical commercials, Bill O'Reilly, or Prostate Exams...
DOCTOR (Snapping his glove on)
One more for old times' sake?
MAN (Faraway look, steadying himself)
I...I can feel my life force draining...
DOCTOR (Noticing X-Ray, sees something)
Wait a minute...
MAN
I...I can see it... A tunnel! A tunnel of light...it's beautiful!
DOCTOR (Holding X-Ray to the light)
Silly Billy! I had this thing upside down! That spot's supposed to be there! You're perfectly healthy!
Slide--- Step 6: Anger
MAN puts his hands around DOCTOR's throat. Chokes him.
Slide-- Step 1: Denial
DOCTOR (Choking)
This can't be! I'm too young to die!
Curtain
